Children remember this conversation for the rest of their lives. It is worth an hour of planning.
Plan it together, before you say anything
Both parents in the room, if it is safe to do so. Agree in advance:
- The exact words for why it is happening
- What is changing and when
- What is staying the same
- What you will not say
Rehearse it. Agree that neither of you will contradict the other in front of the children, whatever you feel about the accuracy of the account.
The three things every child needs to hear
- This is not your fault. Say it explicitly, more than once, over weeks. Young children default to assuming they caused it.
- Both of us still love you and neither is going away.
- Here is what happens next. Concrete, immediate detail: where you will sleep on Tuesday, which school you go to, where the dog lives.
Timing and setting
- At home, not in a restaurant or a car
- On a day with nothing scheduled after, and ideally not right before school
- All the children together if they are close in age; follow up individually afterwards
- Not on a birthday, not on the last day of term
By age
Under 5, Very short, very concrete. "Daddy is going to live in a new house. You'll have a bedroom there too. You'll see him on these days." Expect regression: sleep, toileting, clinginess. Repeat the same words consistently.
6 to 10, More questions, and a strong fairness instinct. They will want to know whose fault it is. Refuse the frame kindly: "Grown-up relationships sometimes stop working. It isn't about blame and it isn't about you."
11 to 14, Likely to react with anger or apparent indifference. Both are normal. Give them the facts and then give them room; they will come back to you in their own time, often sideways, in the car.
15+, Old enough to see the adult dynamics and often keen to take sides. Do not let them. Be honest about logistics, private about adult grievances, and explicit that they are not your confidant or your counsellor.
What not to say
- Anything about who wanted it, who did what, or whose fault it is
- "You'll understand when you're older"
- "You can choose who to live with", that puts an unbearable weight on a child
- Anything that asks them to comfort you
Afterwards
Expect the real conversation to happen weeks later, unprompted, at bedtime or in the car. Keep the door open, keep answering the same question patiently, and tell their school what is happening so someone else is watching too.